Posts in category: Couples/Marriage

In my time as a marriage counselor, there is probably one statement I have heard more than any other, and that is, “I just don’t think I will ever get over this.” This statement is often said by my clients who have recently learned their spouse has had an affair. The second most common phrase I hear is, “I just don’t think I can ever trust them again.”

The initial shock of infidelity cuts deep. Knowing your partner has broken your trust in such a profound way can completely turn your world upside down.

Whether or not a couple can recover from infidelity depends on the two individuals and the bond they have already built. It also depends on the exact circumstances of the affair. Was it a drunken one-night stand on a business trip or an affair that lasted for years? Were love and intimacy involved, or was it merely a physical occurrence?

What I can tell you is that for those couples who want to try and stay together, it will take work on both of their parts. But healing can happen.

The Recovery Process

Recovery must begin with an absolute ending to the affair. All ties must be cut before the work can begin. Should the affair continue behind the scenes, in my experience, the relationship is very unlikely to succeed.

The second step to recovery is for the deceiver to be able to move past defensiveness and guilt so they make talk openly and transparently about what happened. This is a time when the “guilty” party will have to be humble, acknowledge their wrong-doings, and answer their partner’s questions.

Next, there must be a shared understanding of what led to the affair in the first place. Were there issues in the marriage that led to the affair? If so, these will need to be tackled.

In order for the deceived spouse or partner to be able to begin healing, they will need to feel genuine compassion from their partner for having caused them pain. There is typically a knee-jerk reaction to not want to accept the cheater’s apologies or compassion. This can be seen as a way to “get back.” But understand that doing so only holds you back from healing.

The person that was deceived will also need to explore all of their feelings surrounding the betrayal. Usually shock, rage, fear, sadness, and distrust are the main emotions a person will need to work through.

At a certain point, you both will need to decide whether you will stay together. If you choose to, you will need to work on rebuilding that trust.

As you can see, the process of recovery is a complex one and will require that you work with a marriage counselor to help you navigate the strong emotions involved. But, through commitment and work, many couples can stay together and even have a stronger bond than they did before.

If you would like to seek counseling for infidelity, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

SOURCES:

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-sociability/202001/recovering-infidelity
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal
• https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/how-to-recover-from-infidelity/

Remember when Ashley Madison, the website that helps people cheat on their spouses, was hacked? As news spread, many of us probably wondered if our own partners would be capable of cheating.

A survey by polling company YouGov uncovers some rather startling statistics. When they asked roughly one thousand Americans about their fidelity, 21% of men and 19% of women admitted that they had, in fact, cheated on their partners. Another 7% stated they would prefer not to answer the question. It’s safe to say we can probably put that 7% over with the “yeses.”

Another study, this one published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, found that the average person has about a 42% chance of cheating on their partner. 9% of these participants admitted they had already strayed.

If these numbers are getting you to wondering about your own relationship, here are 4 signs your partner is being (or is thinking about being) unfaithful:

(Before hopping into this, while these are potential signs, please do not interpret this as, “Yes, my spouse is cheating,” or “No, they aren’t”).

1. More Time Away from Home

Has your partner suddenly become a social butterfly? Are they spending time at social events or out with co-workers after work? Does their job suddenly require they spend more time on out-of-town travel assignments?

2. Secretive Smartphone Usage

Do you find your partner spending more time texting on his or her smartphone? When you enter the room, do they suddenly put it down?

3. They Seem More Irritable

Do they seem like they get easily irritated by anything you say or do? Do they blow up when asked simple questions or accuse you of accusing them of something?

4. Lack of Sexual Desire

Even though they are getting slimmer and wearing tighter, sexier clothing in public, they have a lack of sexual desire in your direction.

You Can Recover from An Affair

While it is painful to recognize your relationship may not be as strong as it once was, the good news is, you can recover from an affair. When the offender shows true remorse and the partner is ready to truly forgive, healing can begin, and the relationship can become even stronger than it once was.

If you or someone you know is reeling from the betrayal of infidelity and you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.